Talking About the Unthinkable: A Parent's Field Guide to Child Sexual Abuse
Carli · Matt Long · Kristin K. Long, SEL-F · RYT 200 · RCYT · BS El. Ed. - Teacher · H.C. Jenkins
Build a Home Where Nothing Is Unspeakable
The single most effective thing a parent can do doesn't involve a stranger-danger talk. It involves the everyday atmosphere inside your home — whether children feel free to say hard things out loud.
The Life-CAHST guiding rule for families: "Everyone in the home gets to think their thoughts, feel their feelings, and talk about the thoughts they think and the feelings they feel." That principle, established early and consistently, is foundational.
Establish the "any feeling, any thought" rule
Tell children explicitly, from a young age, that they are allowed to say anything to you — and that you will not react with anger or dismissal.
Use anatomically correct vocabulary
Real words for body parts from toddlerhood onward. Children without language for what is happening cannot report it. "Penis," "vulva," "vagina" are protective vocabulary.
Talk about bodies and touch regularly
These aren't one-time conversations. Weave them into bath time, doctor visits, everyday moments — normalizing the topic long before anything alarming occurs.
Model emotional openness
When you talk about difficult feelings, you show children that vulnerability is safe in your home.
Why Children Don't Tell — and How to Change That
- Shame and internalized guilt — Children absorb the false belief that they are broken, bad, or responsible.
- No language for it — Very young children may not have the verbal tools to understand or describe what is occurring.
- Love for the abuser — When the offender is trusted, children don't want to "get them in trouble." They want the abuse to stop, not the relationship.
- Fear of not being believed — Children anticipate disbelief, anger, or blame — a fear often accurate based on what they have observed.
- In-plain-sight abuse — When abuse happens with others present, children reason that "everyone should already know."
Teach the difference between guilt and shame
Guilt: "I did something wrong." Shame: "I am something wrong." The second is almost never true — reinforce this explicitly.
Reassure proactively — before anything happens
"If anyone ever does something to your body that feels wrong, I will not be angry at you. I will believe you. You will not be in trouble."
Never react with disbelief in small moments
How you respond to small disclosures teaches your child whether you are safe to tell bigger things.
Grooming: What It Actually Looks Like
- Being unusually available and helpful to a family — offering rides, childcare, financial support.
- Establishing a "special" relationship marked by preferential treatment, secrets, or gifts.
- Gradually introducing sexual jokes, images, or topics to normalize them.
- Seeking unsupervised, one-on-one time with a child.
- Using games or group activities as cover for inappropriate contact.
"I'd know if someone near my child was a predator." Offenders are overwhelmingly described by neighbors and family as charming, helpful, and trustworthy. The "creepy stranger" myth is dangerous.
Be specific about privacy rules for adults
"No adult needs to see or touch your private parts except a doctor, with me present."
Make "no unsupervised access" a policy, not a suspicion
No adult — family included — is alone with your child for extended periods without your knowledge. This is structural protection, not suspicion of any individual.
Teach the difference between secrets and surprises
A surprise: something good everyone will eventually know. A secret: something you're told to hide from your parents. Secrets from adults are always okay to tell.
Notice adults who work unusually hard for child access
Genuine mentors welcome parental involvement. Be alert to adults who seek private time with your child or dismiss parental presence.
If a Child Tells You: How to Respond
The most common adult response to a child's disclosure is the wrong one. Anger, interrogation, visible distress — even well-intentioned — can shut a child down at the most critical moment.
Take physical complaints seriously in context
Chronic stomach aches, regression, sleep disturbances — the body communicates what words cannot.
Don't require a "correct" emotional response
Nervous laughter, flat affect, emotional numbing are all normal trauma responses. A child not crying does not mean nothing happened.
Watch for extreme perfectionism as a red flag
The "perfect" child — model student, compliant athlete — may be performing to feel safe. Check in with these children too.
Know your local Child Advocacy Center
Find the nearest CAC before you need it. Don't search in crisis.
Process your own reaction separately
Your grief, anger, and guilt are valid — but they should not land on your child.
A Note for Faith Community Families
When a body is treated as shameful, when sex is unspeakable, when authority figures are beyond question — children in these environments face compounded barriers to disclosure. Concepts of sin and purity can become vehicles for a child's internalized false narrative: this happened to me because I am bad.
Counteract shame-based body messaging
Ensure your child also receives this clear message: their body is good, nothing done to them by someone else makes them impure or guilty.
Apply the same standards to religious settings
No adult in a faith community is exempt from the "no unsupervised access" standard.
Spiritual authority is never physical authority
Tell them explicitly: no pastor, priest, rabbi, or imam has the right to touch your body. Good spiritual leaders will always respect that.
"The goal isn't just prevention. The goal is effective and proper responses — and more of them."
— Matt Long · Child Advocate, Trial Attorney, Counselor of Law
Resources
- RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 | rainn.org
- Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
- National Children's Alliance (find a local CAC): nationalchildrensalliance.org
- Stop It Now! (prevention resources for parents): stopitnow.org
- Darkness to Light (Stewards of Children training): d2l.org